JULY 5 2018

what is writing but desperate exploration for the right words? trial and error? dressing and undressing?

sometimes it’s blind determination. it’s voyaging aimlessly and not knowing exactly what you might find.

I wrote somewhere once that being twenty-two feels like standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to drop into the sky. Life is just starting but there’s no confirmation on where it’s going. The unknown is such an exciting, terrifying thing. And there isn't a better thing to do but jump.

 Niagara Falls, Buffalo, NY in 2018

Niagara Falls, Buffalo, NY in 2018

I’m feeling more woman lately. Now I sit at the adult dinner table and speak to other women about balancing careers and personal life, and listen to conversations about how women’s bodies hurt more after a certain age. I absorb and reflect, and I know one day I need to speak my reflections into existence.

I’m not there yet. Sometimes when spoken to, I’m afraid to speak back.

But I like my spot at this table. I do want it. That’s the spot where I can voice my thoughts, where I can learn to say no when no one else is willing to say it, where I’ll speak back in a voice that is woman and bold and honest and mine. I want to speak in a voice that is all mine, and look at people’s eyes as they absorb me and reflect, and realize that perhaps, I’ve been waiting my whole life to be here.

Sorry for the inconsistency in blogging. Been avoiding mirrors and looking longer into the darkness and living like a deer caught in daylight.