I feel like I’ve been keeping in a lot of emotions for a very long time. Actually, I know that’s what I’ve been doing. Because last night, when my best friends asked, “How are you?” my response felt like I was bleeding. I poured everything out, and told them how I’ve been feeling like a failure lately in all aspects of my life – as an intern, as a daughter, and as a student. I told them all the things that have been going on and I realized that my thoughts have felt so heavy, like I’ve been carrying rocks on my back.
I’ve been mean to myself, truly, seriously, really mean. I don’t remember the last time I looked in the mirror and told myself I’m beautiful. Instead, I’ve been drowning in thoughts like: you’re not good enough. You’re not thin enough. You’re not smart enough.
You’re not good enough, you’re not good enough, you’re not good enough.
I’ve been trying to run away from those kinds of thoughts but I’ve lost direction and I always come back.
“Why do we make ourselves feel like that?” I asked my best friends last night. “Who in the world convinced us that we’re not good enough? That we’re not worthy?”
I don’t know.
I need to say though that I’m a huge believer in the idea that the only person who can save you is yourself. But last night, I have to admit, I didn’t save myself alone. My best friends guided me there. All they had to do was ask me how I am. All they had to do was listen. All they had to do was reflect back love I haven’t been giving myself.
I can’t explain to you how different we seemed when we woke up this morning. We seemed more focused. We spoke with honesty rather than saying things we thought the other wanted to hear. Our humor was different, unforced. The silences didn’t feel awkward; they felt natural and calming. I feel like I’ve just washed my soul, scrubbed it down, taken it out of its cave and dusted it off.
And just as a side note, I also realized this morning that each one of us is going to go through very hard times in our lives and that’s something we can’t prevent. But that people who love us can help guide us through those hard times. Because of those people who are willing to listen, we can feel less afraid.
This is going to sound weird, but I’ve missed myself very much. I miss the carefree, confident, go-with-the-flow, live-in-the-moment, kind of girl I used to be. And maybe I haven’t gotten her back yet completely, but I’m on my way.
3:20 PM, Sunday, July 16 2017